Funny Vet

We’ve all had our share of Labradors named Max, Beagles named Shiloh, Chow Chows named Bear, and white Persians (or anything else white and fluffy) named Snowball. I’m not here to talk about them. Instead, I’d like to talk about the random thoughts that cross my mind in regards to pet names. Now, since I’m more of a dog and cat veterinarian, this discourse will be a little skewed. Certainly, if anyone out there has thoughts and experience in naming iguanas, horses, or ficus, feel free to drop me a line.

I find the naming of dogs based on their historical background a bit dubious and unquestionably overdone. For instance, after all of the Chicos, Diegos, and Pacos, I’d really like to meet a Chihuahua named Bob. Just Bob. That would be refreshing. And what about German Shepherds named Hans, Rommel, and Wolfgang? Are such names supposed to remind people or the dog about their heritage? In that case, some good names for a Polish Tatra Sheepdog could be Kowalski, Łukaszewicz, or Młynarczyk. It just seems redundant. How about a German Shepherd named Pedro? See, that works for me. Nothing like some cognitive dissonance in a name.

And what about naming pets based on their supposed profession. I speak, of course, about Boxers named Tyson. Please stop. Come on, folks, some originality! If you absolutely must, due to some deep-seated compulsion, how about showing some regard for notables such as Braddock, Marciano, or Carter? Isn’t it funny how no one names female Boxers after……oh, I don’t know, female boxers? There’s a 1980s female featherweight champion with the last name Canino. It doesn’t get much more perfect than that. I’d like to see someone name their Pug after a famous boxer since the original term used for the sport was pugilism. That I could respect. Since we’re on the subject, why aren’t there more Portuguese Waterdogs or any other water-sport breed for that matter, named Lougainis, Phelps, or Thorpe?

Also, naming big dogs things like Tiny or Peewee..……no. First of all, it’s only cute as a thought. Secondly, owners need to realize that these dogs will get their revenge, much like the Boy Named Sue did in the Johnny Cash song. And the opposite, such as Yorkies named Rambo, must be stopped. These poor guys have to put up with all of those sarcastic comments down at the groomer’s such as, "Oooooooo……watch out! Here comes Rambo!" or "Oh, please don’t eviscerate me, Rambo, you might get blood on your little hair-bow!"

People need to get over trying too hard to give their pets original names. This disease has sloughed over from people naming their children something "original" only to find out that there are now three "Jenyfurr"s in their third-grade class. If you are going to go out of your way to make a name difficult, at least have some patience with clinic staff when you tell them your pet’s name is "Murphy" and they don’t automatically know to spell it as "Murffie". Yelling at someone misspelling your dog’s unusually spelled name is only a good way to be instantly remembered when making appointments later. Considering the pet’s name is not on an official document such as a driver’s license or paycheck, please realize that it will still respond to its name no matter how it is written in the chart. I think the most ridiculous one that presented to me was the owner who was filling out surgical paperwork for their pet, Bandit, and felt the need to add another "T" at the end wherever their pet’s name appeared.

I also get a laugh out of names that coincidentally relate to why they are in. For instance, the dog named Skippy with a torn cruciate. The hit-by-car dog whose name happened to be Crash (this is only funny because Crash was a Saint Bernard who was unhurt which could not be said for the vehicle that hit him). Then there was the dog named Ali who had a taken a beating in a dog fight. Or the Persian named Stertor who presented with breathing difficulties. Ok……I made that last one up. But, it would be funny.

Finally, let’s talk about the funny combinations that occur when people don’t consider how the pet’s name and the owner’s last name will sound together. Below are some of my favorites and what they make me think of every time I hear them.

Fuzzy Irving - a drink you can get during any Happy Hour at a literary pub

Monkey Hall - Congress

Kitty Pickett - a dog protest line when an owner tries to introduce a cat to the house

Sissy Pope - a Catholic leader so ineffectual his name was removed from history

Oreo Fightmaster - the winner of the television show that pits Ultimate Fighter contestants versus HGTV’s Ace of Cakes

Midnight Filer - a really dedicated employee

Buddha Foreman - the guy who keeps all the other monks in line

Monkey Summers - the next much-anticipated Garrison Keillor novel

Kitty Mace - what a cat uses when getting across the kitty picket line

Bandit(t) Law - general lawlessness of the old West when dogs were dogs and cats were nervous

Cricket Bell - what Pinocchio put on Jiminy so he wouldn’t step on him by accident

Monty Blasband - a disease found only in England that is too horrible to describe

Mocha Storm - a new Starbuck’s beverage

Floppy LaFave - world’s worst gigolo

Peanut Justice - hero to legumes everywhere

Twinkie Swindle - Bernie Madoff’s first Ponzi scheme attempt in fourth grade

One last thing before I go. Has anyone else noticed that the best way to make a dog or cat the meanest and most fractious pet you will ever see is by naming it "Precious"?