Funny Vet

Of course, the entire reason we go to conferences is to pursue the fabled and wily Continuing Education credits, fondly referred to as CE.  To get your X number of CE hours required by your state, you get to revisit those heady and exhilarating days of vet school once more by attending lectures.  Now, I don’t know about you, but when I was in vet school, lectures could mean an educational speech on a subject given before an audience or a lengthy reprimand or scolding on the same subject but delivered individually.

One of the first things I do when I receive the new class offerings for a veterinary conference, I go through and cross-out all lectures given by UCDavis professors.  After four years of school, I feel I have heard just about enough out of them.  Then I look for those subjects that I think will be most relevant for what I typically see or that I feel that I should brush up on mainly because they don’t come up too often.  It may sound counter-intuitive, but I avoid all classes that say something along the lines of New Information About…… or Update On…….  I have been fooled way too many times.  Invariably, at the end of these classes you’re left with buyer’s (or attendee’s) remorse when you realize that nothing New or Updated has happened since the last time the particular subject was presented.  Maybe they changed the font on their slides, but that’s about it.  By the time of the conference, I’m pretty well set on what classes I’ll be going to.

I also have a seating strategy that has held me in good stead.  I sit either near the doorways or at the back of the lecture hall in the aisle seat.  Now, I do this for two reasons.  One is so that I can be as courteous as possible and produce the least amount of disruption should I leave early.  It just wouldn’t do to abruptly stand up in the front row, throw my hands up in despair, and sigh heavily and repeatedly as I make a five minute sojourn to the exit.  The second reason is, yes, I do leave early on occasion.  For instance, if I can read the Proceedings section for the particular lecture faster than the lecturer can read it, I am out of there!

Let’s talk about the lecture hall environment.  Has anyone noticed that the halls are set-up like movie theaters?  The popular blockbusters are in large, spacious rooms and the little independents are relegated to small rooms with sticky floors.  And like straight-to-DVD films, some don’t even get that much.  One poor guy was lecturing in the men’s room on Hypopituitarism: A New Religion?  Really interfered with my concentration.

If there is a line for a class, I will not wait.  This isn’t Disney.  There’s no exciting ride at the end it.  No significant reward for delayed satisfaction (which I am against just on principle anyway).  The last time I ever waited in line for anything was the 1979 Star Trek: The Motion Picture.  Anyone else who has seen that movie can understand why I will no longer be suckered into standing in line.  Oooooooooo, there’s a television set up to show that same lecture in the hallway?  I’m there!

I find it interesting that when the lights go off and the doors close, that’s when sporadic coughing can be heard throughout the room.  It seems large populations in enclosed spaces provide an environment for disseminating more than just information.  Also, I find it amusing when it’s time to change classes and we all reenact the mechanics of the Na+/K+ pump.  Especially when some of the potassium ions won’t give up their seats either due to inertia, torpor, or some misplaced territoriality.  And what’s with the people who are 10-15 minutes late to a lecture who, like a cat on ketamine, wander about, groping blindly in search of a seat?  If it’s dark and looks full, it probably is - don’t go in!  Alternatively, if you find yourself always late to class (just like you did in vet school), bring your own chair.  A nice, little lawn chair that maybe doesn’t squeak too much when you unfold it.  Hmmmmmmm….that’s not actually a bad idea.

I find the perpetual, obligatory admonishments to silence your cell phones and no video or flash photography both annoying and amusing.  Annoying in that they make it seem that if they didn’t give the warning, there would be carte blanche madness with people whipping out video-cameras and doing impromptu documentaries or wild throngs of paparazzi storming the podium.  Amusing in that it’s really a rather liberal policy when you think about it.  That’s it?  That’s all we can’t do during the lecture?  I mean that leaves it wide open!  So……smoking, farting, humming, cartooning?  No problem!  I saw one lady crocheting, her little needles making the exact same noise as someone texting.  I’d complain, but, hey, it wasn’t part of the disallowed list.