Funny Vet

Dr. Jonathan Michaels recently left The Loving Hands Veterinary Hospital in the middle of a particularly frustrating day yesterday.  The other veterinarians and staff told reporters that he had been acting increasingly erratic the past few weeks.  “He really lost it,” veterinary technician Dana Meadows said.  Dr. Michaels was having a conversation in which it was observed that he, for about twenty minutes, was patiently trying to explain something to a client, a Ms. Renee Bland, when he abruptly started laughing.  “I think the proper term would be ‘gibbering’,” co-owner, Dr. Yvette Helms clarified.  Then he reportedly flung himself on the floor and started spinning in a circle, pulling his hair out, startling their clinic cat, and setting dogs in the lobby barking.  One kennel worker said, “Dr. Michaels was a funny guy, always cracking jokes and such, so I thought that’s what he was doing at first…….I guess I feel kind of bad now for laughing.”  Dr. Michaels was last seen flinging off pieces of clothing as he ran down the street.  Ms. Bland explained, “I was right in the middle of telling him that that nice Dr. Taylor, you know, the one on Animal Planet?  Well, I was telling Dr. Michaels how Dr. Taylor would treat my little Samson’s problem, because Samson has the same problem as this dog I saw on one of their episodes last month.  And Dr. Taylor was able to diagnose, treat, and make him better in just a half-hour show!”  We finally tracked Dr. Michaels down at his home.  He would only speak with us through the mail slot on the front of his door.  His associate asked him, “Do you think you can get it back together?”  To which Dr. Michaels replied, “I don’t want it.  You keep it.”

A new nation-wide study was conducted by a joint committee made up of several veterinary pharmaceutical companies to understand the drop in sales of heartworm preventative and flea control products.  “Even accounting for the economy we should be selling something!” one company representative explained, “But our sales are practically bottomed-out!”  The three month survey revealed a startling conclusion.  Even in a thorough review of clients’ history when no such purchase of products has occurred at a veterinary facility, store, or through the internet, clients still consistently reported that they have “plenty of heartworm prevention and flea control”.  Dr. Richardson, as head of the review board, stated, “There are few explanations for such a finding.  It could be that we made the products too well.  They seem to be able to last for years!”  Another theory posited by the study's findings is that even when never taken out of the packaging or box, the medications must have a radius effect, protecting all the pets within a household for their entire lifetime.

October 27th, 2011 will mark the first official “Keep Your Child Away From Work Day”, a new veterinary-based program developed by James Wight, DVM.  It will be held on the fourth Thursday in October in subsequent years.  He explains, “There are a lot of misguided parents out there who want their children to follow in their footsteps into a veterinary career.  Who actively encourage them.  They start them out young, bringing them into the clinic to see the cute little puppies and kitties and the poor old dog who’s leg they fixed.  The next thing you know, they’re at the clinic all the time, cleaning and helping where they can, free labor for the notoriously cheap veterinarians.  This indoctrination continues through their schooling and into college.  Once they become veterinarians, they then turn around and do the same thing to their own children.  It’s a vicious cycle!”  And that is why Dr. Wight came up with KYCAFWD or “kayakafuhwud” as it is pronounced in Acronymese.  “There needs to be one day.  Just one!  Where these impressionable minds can be exposed to saner career choices.  We’ve coordinated in every state to have informative pamphlets and Anything-But-A-Vet Job Fairs.  Educators are given class lesson plans and hamsters and rabbits are banned from the classroom for the day.”  The movement has been endorsed by the Department for Child Safety and Protective Services and the Mental and Behavioral Health Services Council.  The AVMA has assigned a committee to study this program and hope to issue a position statement in the late summer or early fall of 2044.